Monday, April 6, 2009

The Alarm Clock: A Short Story by Me

There was once a little alarm clock that belonged to a person named Me (also known as Myself and I). It was a rather non-descript little clock. Black in colour with a red digital face. It had some knobs here and a few buttons there with a couple of cords running out the back.

This little alarm clock wasn't like the other little alarm clocks. Unlike most it's alarm did not go "Beeeep!... Beeeep!... Beeeep!..."

Nor did it play music from your favorite station in an attempt to rouse you.

No, it wasn't a fancy one that chimed in a meditative way or said "It is now 5:30 a.m. and it's time to wake up" in a soothing voice.

In fact, this little alarm clock makes absolutely no noise at all. Not that it couldn't, because it most assuredly could. You could set this alarm to be as quiet as fairies laughing in a garden or as loud as a jet plane landing on your roof.

It just seems a shame to make the poor little thing work so hard at making noise when I (also known as Me and Myself) am deaf and thus cannot hear it.

So how does it work, you might be wondering to yourself. Just how does it a wake a person up?

I will tell you.

The little alarm clock has a wee tiny outlet in the back that is perfect for plugging a lamp into. It also has a pad connected to it by a cord that fits neatly underneath your mattress.

When the little alarm clock goes off in the morning the lamp starts flashing. On and off... On and off... On and off... The pad starts vibrating Buzz... Buzz... Buzz... The little alarm clock is good at it's job. The lamp holds a bulb bright enough to rival the sun and the pad shakes so violently that it registers as a 4.9 on the Richter scale.

Obviously these things seperately let alone combined would jolt even the deepest of sleepers from slumber with such intensity that they would have no need of coffee in the morning. Just a shower and fresh underwear from having pizzled themselves in startlement.

Unfortunately I (also known as Me and Myself) am not phased by these things in the least. Without even leaving REM sleep I (also know as Myself and Me) will simply reach over and punch the off button or possibly knock the clock from the nightstand depending on bad my aim is. The effect is the same either way, the flashing and shaking stop less than 2 seconds after they began and I (also known as Me and Myself) continue with a happy visit in the land of Nod.

Of course I (aka... yeah, you get it already. Gotcha.) still need to wake up so how do you suppose that happens? My poor husband is left with the task. Unfortunately he is a mere mortal and not up to said task. Seriously now people, if something that is the equivalent of a Natural Disaster is happening in my bedroom and that doesn't wake me, it's just plain silly to think he could.

Finally I've found a solution. It actually works, as I've been utilizing it for a couple of months now with great success. It's a plan so simple and so obvious that I almost smacked myself for not thinking of it before. I didn't smack myself though, because I don't like to be hit and it would have ticked me off. Which would have resulted in me getting mouthy and picking a fight with myself. I'm not one to just back down from fight when it involves a cause I believe in so passionately (me not getting hit, remember?) so of course after words were exchanged blows would be next. It just doesn't end good so it's best not to start it in the first place no matter how entertaining it could be or how bored I am to have just written all that.

Back to my solution with the alarm clock.

I used to keep it on top of the nightstand by my bed. Within reach and easily accessible and that my friends is where the problem lies. Or actually laid. Lewd? Whatever.

Now I simply hide the clock every night after I set the alarm. I don't hide it in the same place either. Sometimes I'll place it underneath the bed, right in the very middle of the floor and surround it with the little rolling totes of seasonal clothes I store there. Another night it might go under my dresser, or in the draw on the front of my nightstand. Anywhere other than where it was the night before so it keeps me from getting into a routine and turning it off in my sleep again.

Would you like to know how well my little plan works? Of course you don't, but I'm going to tell you anyways.

Picture me if you will, sound asleep and snoring softly like a freight train (according to my husband) with just a tiny drop of drool the size of Lake Michigan on my pillow.

After gazing at this peaceful scene for a minute imagine the room is suddenly filled with the fiery flashing light of a Super Nova while the bed begins to shake and roll across the floor with no forethought destination other than to escape and quickly at that.

Now see an arm snake out from under the covers and smack at the nightstand in an almost lazy fashion. Watch as it continues to smack. And smack... and then suddenly I'm sitting up in bed and staring groggily at the spot on the table where my clock should be. Is it there *flash/SHAKE!* I don't see it *flash/SHAKE!* Is that it? *flash/SHAKE!* I stretch my hand way out and reach over to hit what turns out to be my glasses, knocking them off the table and falling out of bed after them in a tumble of blankets and pillows.

Still more asleep than awake I recall that I left the clock under the bed the night before. Eyes still mostly closed (because it would be stupid to open them and inflict them to punishing glare of my lamp this early in the morning, flashing or otherwise). I start crawling on my hands and knees towards the bed. It's slow going what with all the blankets wrapped around my legs but finally I bump into something solid and large.

Breathing a sigh of relief I try to force my eyes open enough to peer underneath the furniture. Failing at that and just barely missing being hit in the head with a photo that has worked loose from the wall due to all the shaking I decide to just grope around for the clock instead.

Frantically my fingers search but they find only air. I lay flat against the floor and stretch out, reaching as far as I can... There! I grab the clock and yank it towards me and OH MERCIFUL HEAVENS WHAT IS THAT SMELL??!!!

That's when I realize I'm not reaching under the bed but Nai's dresser. I'm clutching not the clock but one of his dirty socks that has been under there for God only knows how long. This much is for certain, when I squealed in shock at what was in my hand the sock squealed right back.

Tossing the sock aside I reach out in the opposite direction instead. Finally starting to wake up I'm happy to note that this is definitely the bed. These are the totes of clothes. The clock should be just behind them. I shove them to the side and reach for it eagerly anticipating the peace that is sure to come any second now.

It's not there. It has to be there. It isn't though. I start yanking totes out left and right in a desperate search for it. Finally after the last tote is out of my way I shove my head half under the bed to locate the clock. *flash* I only see *flash* dust bunnies *flash* Oh what kind of Hell is this that I've awakened to anyway?!!

Fully awake at this point I lean over wearily and yank the cord from the outlet thus unplugging the whole mess and stopping the destruction. Apparently I am NOT fully awake though, because it takes me at least 3 seconds to realize that everything is still flashing and shaking and that the bed is still bouncing against the door frame in it's flight towards safety.

Ooops. It would appear that I unplugged Nai's alarm clock rather than mine by mistake. I yank out the second cord and finally, FINALLY peace descends. I sit quietly for a moment savoring the stillness before making my way out to the kitchen.

Nai is sitting quietly drinking a cup of coffee.

"Problems Sweetie?" he asks me.

I yawn and reply "I can't find my alarm clock, it isn't under the bed where I put it".

Nai raises an eyebrow in amusement and says "I thought you hid your clock in the nightstand drawer last night?"


Link said...

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Christina (That would be me) said...

Thank you Urban Decor, for posting such a poignant and relevant comment to my story.

The next time I need an outrageously expensive clock that will provide me with absolutely no amusing ancedotes to tell about it whatsoever or a clock without the ability to wake my bad deaf self up I will come to you first.

Thanks for reading. *rolls eyes*

3rd Wave Inc said...

An alarm clock is a necessity in every household to keep us on time with our daily activities especially if you're always on the go.